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Thursday, July 10th, 2008
11:20 pm
it seems that my romantic life in the past 3 years has been filled with really Good people (mostly men as of late). It also seems that none of them have been good Enough, or Enough so that it feels right. this results in a sinking feeling, even when they are experiencing a purely love-filled moment. I honestly don't know any more, if its me or them.
Since "they say" that being too much in love with someone tends to make for a bad relationship, i wonder if it works the other way around. mediocrity leads to stability I suppose. How do you walk away from something good, in search of an abstract Enough? Maybe you don't.

At any rate, my biggest fault and salvation has been intense self-analysis, for most of my life.

And I believe I just posted a typical emo live journal entry. :)

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Monday, May 26th, 2008
4:47 pm
I have just submitted my trial article to Artvoice. I have done as much as I can do, have done my best, and its out of my hands. I am terrified. Why do I let myself be vulnerable by wanting something so bad? It's the only way to progress I guess. I've only got a chance if I give myself one. But still, terrified. It was one of those bad movie moments, where I hit send on the email attachment, and winced, forgot to breathe.
But, just writing the article alone has been a good experience, giving me some of the coolest experiences I've had in Buffalo, including shooting up a grain elevator on a century old manlift, only to see the view of the entire city, lake, and windmills. Rooted in the past and looking towards the future, the view stretches further than I can see.
So I'll enjoy it from the ground level no matter what, and remember to breathe.

current music: z-trip

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Sunday, December 10th, 2006
8:38 pm - been a long time time
so, i still sort of think that i dont know how to use lj properly, i.e. in a non lame way. but its been a while, and i think instead of updating about My Life, I'll just randomly list things that I like right now.

the killers on vinyl (listening to them now, so they get to be first)
the possibility of snow (yet?!)
the concept of going home soon
buffy, yes. buffy. deal with it.
travel writing, esp. flaubert
bright eyes
the fact that i move into a new house in omaha next week, down the street from conor oberst
the fact that tim kasher (cursive, the good life) was at my thanksgiving (ie drinkin in the garage)
concerts, esp. with a certain emo boy
drinking legally (still hasnt worn off)
casual sex (will that ever wear off?)
my tattoo, still (that will never wear off)
looking forward to applying for jobs and the peace corps
oh, the possibilities
visiting my closest friends in brooklyn, like, every weekend
the moment when a subway stops right in front of you and it makes a wind that smells like chestnuts
polaroids
bikram yoga (obsessed)
booze and schmooze, any night and every night, with old and new friends
being alone, in any and every capacity
writing letters, at least twice a week
bars, bars, bars
sunsets, in a really intense, hopefully noncliche way
my geeky individual study on vampires and homosexuality
the hundred geese that seem to populate the pond outside my window
i know, i just know, that snow will come soon.

me in a nutshell? probably not. i could use a livejournal assignment. any suggestions?

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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
4:30 pm - so goddamn happy its probably sickening.
life is so amusing. i am just so amused. theres really no other way to put it. i find myself laughing too long at little things, im hyper aware of details and i ind of just smirk all day. not such a bad situtation to be in.

winter weekend was awesome. felt like part of a community, and basically just got drunk, played games, and danced with friends. my friends are so good. probably way more good than your friends. i am having such a good time here at smith, and that may not last, but right now, past present and future look good, and its probably my disposition and not the actual situation. i woke up in an inexplicable good mood friday, and it hasnt left since.

- it snowed. i dont think anyone can comprehend what that does for me, even if they have heard me talk about snow everyday. i feel at peace in it.
-beer is awesome.
-i woke up this morning with a sprained ankle, missing cell phone and coat, and three papers to write. and i smiled. because i am amused.
-i have sixteen lovely days left here, and am determined to enjoy them as much as possible. then buffalo, disneyworld, kayaking in mexico, then new zealand. man, that looks great.

im happy. wheeee!

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Wednesday, October 26th, 2005
11:10 pm - MAJOR IMPORTANT UPDATE!!! NOT TO BE MISSED!!!
top 5 most important things that happened to me in the past 5 months:

1. i ate a sausage at fenway park. it had peppers on it. and onions.
2. i tried toby's scotch bonnet hot sauce. it changed my life. i don't like sriracha much.
3. i read a book about travel writing. and another. with a witch in it.
4. i met noodle, the best dog in the world.
5. i bought a t shirt. it says eric hutchinson is pretty good. i'm not proud of it. it was not an informed purchase. i regret it every day. GOD, why did i have to buy that t shirt?

in the next 5 months, i hope to make a sandwich and take a walk.

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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
5:34 pm - general ramblings

Your Linguistic Profile:



60% General American English

15% Upper Midwestern

10% Midwestern

10% Yankee

5% Dixie





who knew. im sure you were wondering anyway.

so yeah, alot of transition goin on, and none at all. the past few days, well the past week i guess, has been infinitely better than the previous two weeks, which were quite possibly the slowest in history- though i did spend a good amount of time reading about canadian history, shackletons antarctic adventures and of course the incessant travel writing. fun times from this week include senior banquet, in which i got willed good, mostly sentimental things, and gave a surprisingly successful impromptu prophesy and got sufficently drunk and danced. friday night was tobys one act, which was so great (brillant) that it made me cry, which i rarely do in theatre (esp since i wasnt he crying kind of piece. but i was proud). and then the cast party, at which i got sufficently drunk and danced, and brought home a high school senior (and great actress) to sleep in my room (not what it sounds like). saturday i slept about all day, then went to the ani concert. ani was awesome, lovely, moving and contemplative as usual, though there were moments where i really missed kristen due to our previos concert experience, and i am just so heartsick and tired of missing people. i am sick of that taking so much out of me, especially when all of my energy is going towards living in the moment and appreciating a sense of location. i was pretty disappointed in the ani crowd, but i should have known better. the best part was that she encored with "i know this bar", which i have never heard live. it was nice that voelkers bowling alley was mentioned in south hadley mass. ah, if only everyone knew the joys of buffalo, the world would be a better place. yee, and today i started to pack and study for my exam on wednesday, before i leave.

packing is a bit overhwelming, as i dont have the mental (or emotional) capacity to pack for four seperate places at once (this month of traveling, buffalo, providence, and the stuf that stays at smith). my mind cant handle that amount of organization, especially with a small number of boxes and limited car space. however, i do enjoy the packing process (thankfully since "i leave for a living and music is what i do on the way to the door") and the studying (ancient peruvian art and archaeology) is not too shabby either.

somewhere between last weeks misery and this weeks comfort and fun i realized that i am actually kind of sad to leave. dana, neil, jill, kate, annie, kat and various others will not be here next year, and my life will be quite different in many ways. i am trying to not be afraid of change, for it is to be afraid of life, blah blah. anyway, it is purty here and smith is an amazing opportunity. feels good to leave on a good note, go good places, settle with good work and love. fingers crossed that all ahead goes well.

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Friday, April 22nd, 2005
2:27 pm
just received praxis funding, easiest 2,000 dollars I've ever made. Now I will officially be working at a fine art gallery called Gallery Z on Federal Hill in Providence this summer. In addition to gallery work, I get to use the gallery owner's(a nice small armenian man with five children) personal, professional darkroom, in a sort of unformal apprenticeship scenario. yay! so, unless something goes horribly wrong between now and june 6th, thats where ill be, in a seemingly gorgeous apartment.

until then, its one week of classes left, with almost no work whatsoever. after that, its a month of traveling around and across north america, punctuated by baseball games. this leaves no time for buffalo, which is truly home, but it'll do. :)

now only to get rid of this silly sense of impending doom and im all set. heres to hoping for the best and livin in the present.

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Thursday, March 24th, 2005
11:50 pm
what i did today:
two amazing, invigorating classes. as usual.
lunch with accomplished scottish photgrapher/brown professor Fraser Stables- a canidate for the photography position next year
jfk after school program and all my brillant mentoring greatness
hour and a half lecture/display of work (including some really exciting videos) by previous mentioned scottish hunk
quick dinner, followed by comleting an entire spanish presentation
house meeting, followed by a creepy/peaceful/satisfying few hours in the darkroom finishing my portfolio.

very busy. happy with all those things. rarely in my life does busy equal good. but i love so much that i do.

today at the after school program, i was helping jared (a very sweet african american seventh grade boy that I 'mentor') do his homework when the people near us started talking about adam and eve. jared said to me, "i dont believe that is worth much". myself, an eager atheist, subtly prompted him to say more. he said (direct quote), "i just dont think that we should try and live by the bible stories. i believe in god. i think that he made gay people and that they should be allowed to be married. they are people, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them... my mom doesnt allow homophobia in the house."
i didnt even mention gay marriage. i dont know where that came from. i was definitely not that insightful at 7th grade. that really made me smile.

current mood: exhausted

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Friday, February 11th, 2005
3:36 pm - Sugar magnolia, blossoms blooming, heads all empty and i dont care...
friday afternoon, sunny day outside. i saw a tree in the science quad that had half opened flower buds. buds!
only a moderate amount of work and finally time to relax, do nothing, and digest. in addition to nothing, got a typical smith weekend: mfa dance concert, watching manhattan, beer, my favorite lazy sunday mornings, some classical music, and more nothing. excellent.

there are few things better than American Beauty on vinyl. and i really mean that.
ahhhh yes.

current mood: Friday.
current music: Grateful Dead

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Thursday, February 10th, 2005
3:05 pm - undo oh i unravel
On the way to gtmy car at the stables, I was grumpy and tired and it was slushing like crazy. somewhere in the process of finding out that my car was not going to budge due to the huge amount of mud surrounding it, I realized it is now snowing. these are the biggest flakes i have seen in my life. It is clumsily beautiful. I had a very unfrustrated walk back from the stables, closing my umbrella so i could catch snowflakes, while listening to bjork.
as much as spring was starting to feel nice, i will always trade it for this snow. it isnt time yet.

current mood: calm
current music: bjork

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Sunday, February 6th, 2005
10:50 am
went to nyc this weekend, with kat and annie. got lost a number of times, had a number of beers, saw a number of artworks, had a number of amazing foods. just generally pretty trim.
good times, but i dont know if i will ever be able to get rid of this obsession with nyc. considering studying "abroad" there. i must be crazy. at least that is the general consensus.
things have been strangely busy this semester so far. i have very little time to do nothing. dont know why, but i have been having a lot of meetings and homework. strange, it feels like i am actually participating in school. which is good for the most part.
so its sunday morning. and thats good. im gonna go read the times and have some breakfast, the best part of the day. the sun is out, i have only a moderate amount of interesting work to do, absolutely no money, and a small amount of time. think ill strut downtown for a bit.

current mood: confused
current music: Buddy Guy

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Saturday, January 1st, 2005
10:57 pm - i think that i am happy. i think that i am blessed.
oh, this week.

i have had such a satisfying, exciting, relaxing, comforting, healthy week. it makes me so happy. good god.
despite a number of yet again violent instances, i still feel this way. pretty crazy in that sense.

began the week with a party at my dads house. good people there. crazy in a hook up, incestuous sense, all good times. :) spent the week chillin at my moms house and hanging out with jack and the girls. also good. ended the week with a new years party at my dads house.
it seems silly to give details or a schedule or some such thing (tired, please excuse stupidity). but all i really left that party with was a sense of belonging. a sense of home(!!!). and i just couldnt beeeee more grateful. i am so thankful that somehow i have convinced these wonderful people to be my friends. im not sure how it worked, but i just kept saying over and over to myself today. "i must have done something right." and i dont know what that is. but i am fucking lucky.

an apt, semi cheesy quote that i discovered in alies endearingly cheesy mixed cd that she left at my house:
"There are few things pure in this world anymore, and home is one of the few
We'd have a drink outside maybe run and hide, if we saw a couple men in blue
Well I been away but now I'm back today and there ain't a place I'd rather go
I feel home when I see the faces that remember my own
I feel home when I'm chillin outside with the people I know"

and Panos the next morning just made everything ok, even my bad hangover. all of buffalo had the same idea, so a large portion of the elmwood community was all hungover and messy and muttering about coffee, waffles, and last night. :)
i said goodbye to everyone, and alie and kristen are going abroad, and that makes me very sad. but i had a wonderful moment driving home on the s curves and looking at forest lawn. i was listening to the stones and just felt so grateful for having such amazing people in my life and being in a place i love so much. so. much. so much. you get the idea.
i have nothing if not my capability to recognize the good.
anyway. i am being really cheesy (though intensly sincere). i am very tired. i packed all day today. leaving for northampton tomorrow, for italy on monday. i am loking forward to seeing dana, and smith. man, these really are the best days. and though i am moderately freakin out about italy, i am doin ok.
She was packed
She had a suitcase
Full of noble intentions
She had a map
And a straight face
Hell bent on reinvention
And she was ready
For the lonely
She was in it for
It only

on monk tonight, he said: "i am afraid. i am afraid of change. i am afraid of not changing."
my news years resolution is to become better at accepting and inititing change.

and here we go.

current mood: happy

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Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
7:34 pm
good to be home, unwinding, defragging, watching tv with mom and drinking, my dogs are adorable, blah blah blah...

had dinner with my dad tonight(mmmm indian food) and was unusually upset. not because of anything he did or anything,. we have reached a comfortable stasis by now. but we were discussing books. it is imortant for whoever may be reading this to note that until a fews years ago when my dad met his girlfriend, he had read two books in his entire lifetime: beaches and cold mountain, and only due to dire circumstances, like being stuck in a log cabin in a blizzard and his car breaking down in the middle of nowhere. since lydia (his girlfriend) he has been reading a lot lately. he even read lolita (because i made him, but it is a BIG deal. like, huge.) this does not mean he is not smart, infact he is a pharmaceutical genius (or so many peole tell me), its just that he is only smart at his field and has little interest in everything else. read: family, books, anything.
today i asked him what he read recently and he said "catcher in the rye". that is my moms favorite book, she reads it at least once a month for at least twenty years. she has a first edition and is literally obsessed, and always has been, perhaps even more so when she was married to my dad. My dad read it for the first time last month.
Now, the divorce has had little effect on me. ever. and the only emotions i ever really felt about it was that i was sad for what my mom was going through and i hate not having a sense of belonging. i never understood their relationship, or tried to, until tonight.
my father lived and "loved" my mother for twenty five years. he slept in her bed, he saw her all the time, he supposedly knew so much about her. he was supposed to be her partner.
he never read her favorite book.
ever.
and now he picks it up in the airport and reads it out of boredom. i cannot understand that. never have i been so effected personally by anything he ever did to her. it boggles me that she never read the signs, from early on. i would never marry someone unless they read my favorite book, especially if it effected me the way that book shaped my mother. how dare he. he just "didnt have time" "didnt like books" and "didnt care". i wanted to rip his heart out in front of that talented sitar player.
if you really love someone, i believe you will do what is important to them, you will want to understand them better, even if that is by reading a book (god forbid!). how could he have known her without that? it is such a small thing, but greater than anything before. if someone forgets an anniversary, neglects to tell you huge events in their life, or doesnt read your favorite book or see your favorite artwork, do they really love you? do lazy and love go hand in hand?

i wonder if anyone would read my favorite book.

current mood: haunted

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Thursday, December 16th, 2004
9:24 am - the sun is setting on a century
buncha shit has gone down in the past few days, good and bad. and that left me feeling very drained and tired and unproductive yesterday. so i went to bed early. and now it is 9:30 and i am up, new day. awoke to sun on my face. though the sun comes in my window directly onto my pillow every morning i am usually in too dark of a sleep to notice. but i did today, and it was very pleasant and feline.
am going to do the ten page paper due tomorrow. after that it is only an english exam and an art history oral exma until i get to go home to the lovely dirty snow that i love so much.
I am going to miss taking art history and education classes until next semester, as it provides me with a sense of my own "mighty purpose."

a quote that has helped me feel much better in a very grand sense:

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."-Shaw

current mood: refreshed

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Friday, December 10th, 2004
12:40 am - yeah yeah
grilled cheese, champagne and l word. amazinger than amazing. :)

current mood: drunk

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Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
11:51 pm
On Meghan's away message profile, she wrote: "Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option." So true.

Otherwise. I had a really, really lovely day. Had the best sleep ever, due to more blankets, red sky, and the knowedge of snow. Woke up slowly, had a good lunch with Toby, made her skip her class to hang out with me. Good times. I am also obsessed with grilled cheese and need to stop. Walking back from the gym was intensely beautiful. Each tree was intricately covered with a thin, shiny layer of ice, and the light reflected off the slushy ground so that it looked like it was raining glitter. I turned around twice because i swore i heard sleigh bells. but it was probably just the weakerthans "left and leaving." had a bonding experience with a tiny spider in the shower. dinner with virginia. progress on my paper. west wing. i am sure that none of this matters. but it was a very relaxing day, and i am kind of not looking forward to classes tomorrow. i mean, only 8 actual classes left, but it has felt so much like reading period already that I am tempted to just start early. i have a lot to look forward to, short term and long term and everything in between. grateful and cozy.
I am going to Ernest Hemingway myself to sleep now.

I hope this snow stays.

current music: vivaldi on vinyl-3rd time tonight

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Sunday, December 5th, 2004
9:27 pm
vespers tonight, quite enjoyable i must say. true, it was a bit long, but that didnt bother me. it is strange ow much people rustle between songs. i think elaborately written programs are a bad idea. people end up reading them instead of listening, silly old people. Although they arent all bad, as the ones behind us were talking about how they should be high, then kept rhyming (do i want pie? what a pretty sky! you lie! i deny! mm pie! chuckle chuckle chuckle). Though it was a bit religious, it was a pretty comforting seasonal concert. best part was the candlelight processional, and such beautiful unexpected voices. lots of chorus and orchestra and handbell choir. man, i love handbells. the best kind of bells you know. other than church bells. in europe.

it is getting to feel very much like december. two weeks from today i will be in buffalo. only 2 papers, 1 exam and one oral exam until then(strange how our concept of time alters in college). whether that is a good or bad thing. man, i love december. but i want my fuckin snow!

i really want some egg nog right now. mmmm... egg nog.

listening to manheim steamroller and just ate a cookie. feels pretty warm in here. i should leave carrots out for the reindeer to see if they will come early, but dana would probably just eat them instead.

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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
9:09 pm - solace in seed catalogues
eventful day. one of many. sometimes i feel like i do a lot of shit and it doesnt really amount to much, other than calendar clutter. which is not neccessarily a bad thing. My art history class got to meet Wangechi Mutu today, which was really cool. She is one of my favorite artists, and is semi famous, a Kenyan artist transported to NY, and it was such a privelege. We met in our exhibition room, and though we asked her some questions, she was geniuinely interested in our exhibition process and implications. which was very endearing and scary, though she had *mostly* good things to say. Plus she is gorgeous and has this inner awareness that results in a sort of modest wisdom. Someone should have taken a picture and put it in the "This is about Smith" folder: 15 students discussing art historical theory and process with a well known revolutionary artist sitting in an exhibition they created. Kind of unreal and wonderful. I also got to go to her lecture tonight and I asked a question :) What was strangest to me was that I could not comprehend her reality. It struck me that both Dana Leibsohn (whom I adore more everyday) and Mutu live and breathe art/art history. They seem to be generally thinking about it all the time, i cant say why exactly, the professionalism of their everyday thoughts, their expressions, etc. It sort of terrifies me, because while I love art/art history to no end, I dont spend every waking minute living in that scholarly world. Does that mean I am incompetent or not gonna make it? I like to think not. But i really admire them. Plus, I sorta chuckle when trying to imagine Wangechi Mutu or Dana L. in their pajamas letting the cat out. quite impossibly endearing. Went to a lecture today about hiking the machu picchu trail. Sort of unremarkable except that it was given by a geologist, therefore instead of the focus on the Inka, it was a focus on rocks. Like, a LOT of pics of rocks. amusing, interesting rocks. but rocks just the same. Mixed in with these rocks was the rare picture of Peru, and oh god. oh god. i miss it so. almost a year ago. Other than that, not much to say i guess. Except I got a very haunting message from britt today, and I am kind of freaking out. I am really worried about her. And its not just her, I feel like alot of the people I love have had/ are having some sort of catastrophe, and i cant really do anything about it (except be more ocd than i have been in YEARS), except stand around and shiver at the ruins. November kinda sucked, in relation to the 5 major hard, semi horrible things that happened, in addition to a shitload of work. I am not complaining, just tired and hoping next month will be easier. I welcome december. and hope that things change a bit with the month, not for me really, but for lots of things around me. But I have had a number of very exciting oppourtunities, so I am grateful. On a lighter note, I have decided to take up the cello, and am in the process of arranging lessons next semester, though not for credit. I guess I am all for spreading my legs.

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Wednesday, November 24th, 2004
7:22 pm - oh, nebraska.
so my mom got into bed with me this morning and said, "so here's the agenda: you have to eat mashed potatoes, cause i made three pounds. we must go shopping. and have you ever touched your cervix? it feels like the tip of your nose?" oh, mom.
today included lovely shopping, good lunch, and so much laughing. it also included the BEST VINYL STORE EVER! which just happens to be a few blocks away from me here in Lincoln. Seriously, I have never seen so many records in one spot. I almost fainted when i walked in, like fo sho. And my mom bought a collecters edition beatles album, "meet the beatles", straight from england that is so rare and i cant wait to listen to it. the store guy, straight out of ghost world, showed me how to clean vinyls, and we talked about records for over a half hour. it was so cool. i listened to a bit of the Beatles and my ears literally tried to eat that sound. like sex, im tellin you. and i got the johnny cash vinyl with "hurt" on it. and that is wicked cool (i said wicked). so tonight we are gonna watch coffee and cigarettes (which tobys mom also rented tonight, so weird) and smoke cubans and drink and maybe paint. oh, thanksgiving.
and morgan got the tube removed today, and though the stiches hurt, he may be able to get out tomorrow, so athiestically pray for that, cause its fucking time.

you know, I have had a really good day.

ps. i have had dreams about escaping through an elevator three nights in a row now, so what does that mean? (dane i am proverbially lookin at you...)

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Sunday, November 21st, 2004
12:24 am - mmm hmmm
dude. very good couple a days. took dane on her birthday surprise, which was a bus trup to nyc, night in a hotel, and fifth row center ani tickets at the beacon theater. set list was amazing, highlights include many amazing new songs, swan dive, funky untouchable face, shameless dancing (seeing the entirity of the theatre dancing) and a kumbaya-esque both hands. it seems like she really enjoyed herself, and played for almost two hours. plus she looked so hot in her newly cut hair and tight shirt. so hot.
dane was delightfully surprised i think, and i am glad she let me drag he along, as it awas nice to see her for scuh a period of time. went to maries crisis, a showtunes piano bar full of gay men and met two very strange and cool middle aged men, michael and kent, one a cryptographer and one a "citizen of the world", as his business card with the little prince described. got dane pretty drunk, which was refreshing. spent 5 bucks on food and about thirty on alcohol, pretty good summary of our time. came back and collapsed naked in bed, only to wake up still drunk adn commuting back to noho pretty out of it some some sense. all in all, a memorable, enjoyable, hugely fun time.
i didnt do shit today, then went to jennas orchestra concert which was pretty cool. it is nice to go to that sort of thing. i realized that the last time i did that was when i would go with jack, like every weekend. thinking back, that was a pretty cool and classic routine for a couple a first timers.
tomorrow gotta write a paper and tie up a few loose ends, check out the exhibition, since i missed the opening, and then i am pretty much done with work until after thanksgiving. still a bit worried about distances, but it seems he will be ok. god i hope, it ties me in knots. i had a new appreciation for my dommelsch glass tonight.
if i am gonna be anywhere for a length of time, which is sayin somethin lately, it is gonna be here. never before have i felt such a respected comfort and undeniably savory routine.

current music: iron and wine on vinyl. so goddamn good.

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